Gettin Closer...

As the D day gets closer..I hav started feelin the pinch..The preparation so far has been good,even if not great...The whole thing is so unpredictable that I can harldy be satisfied with the amount of puzzles I've solved...She called me up today...For the first time since she'd left..Gosh..It was such a nice feelin to answer her call..Even though I didn't know it was she who was callin..I could make it out before she uttered a word...She has been having quite a tough time there...Has been fillin up forms for an eternity now...Pity her...Wish I could help..Her trg is most likely to start from tomorrow..Hope it isn't too boring...Cuz this time around there wouldn't be any guy to say somethin from the last bench and make her giggle(or get her caught)...As much as I dream about how good life might get if i get this job...The converse is makin me feel real sick at times..but then all i can do for now is keep my fingers crossed and hope I'm served some easy puzzles come sunday...It'll be great if she can call me up or atleast msg me before the xam..It'll make me feel real nice..But then again..I'm not goin to ask her to...Its purely upto her...And before i quit..Jus one more thing...I love her..Whether she likes it or not...Whether she loves me or not...I'll still keep lovin her...I'm addicted to her...I don't wanna stop it...Can't either...Wish all goes well for her there...Don't want her to miss nethin...Take care darlin...

Lifeless....

One of the darkest hours of my life...The girl i'd started livin in my dreams with,left today...I still can't forget those eyes that stared into mine at the corridor...Wish i could hold her right there and never let her go...Those steps I took away from her right then were the heaviest of my life...I walked away...Banged my fist on a nearby vehicle...It didn't hurt...I was already hurt enough for my fist to ache..Tried persuadin her to let me come to the station..but she wouldn't let me..So i gave in as usual..But every inch of my body wanted to be there...Was at the gym at the time..Surrounded by mirrors..Portrayin a huge loser...I could see the life ooze outta my body,on a smokin train..Headed towards Hyderabad...Little does she know that this distance,though it aches..Isn't gonna affect my love for her one bit...She'll always remain the goddess i love...and wanted to live with...She is goin with her parents..Will be stayin in some hotel for a week i suppose...Hope she gets a safe accomodation..July 2nd couldn't have come at a better time for me...Dunno how i'd hav been if i hadn't got that mail from infy...Not that it'll definitely gimme a job...But atleast it'll gimme a chance to have a shot at the life i've dreamt about..Gonna start workin for it from tomo..Will try to solve the puzzles upside down...Not that Infy is the only company on earth...But cuz Infy Hyd is the place i wanna be...Cuz my goddess is gonna roam about there for a while now...Hope she gets in touch tomo...thats all til then...already feelin like an empty bottle....

Killed again...

Wel...things hav jus gone from bad to worse..Gave her a letter with a few RBCs in it...She thought it was stupid...But then wat more can I do to make her understand...got the worst msg till date from her...She said she wouldn't wanna marry me even if her parents let her to...I died right then...Killed one more time by her...I love her so very much that i start cryin everytime i think i can't have her..Its very tough to lead such a cursed life...Wish i cud belong to that genre of people whom she'd wanna marry...I know things aren't in my hand anymore..It hurts real bad...Am i such a mean human...Don't I deserve anything I want in life...Wish my heart would jus stop pumpin...Wish i don't have a tomorrow to wake up to...Wish she could jus stab me..And i would happily die watchin her...Cuz I am sufferin greater pains in life...Pains cuz of her...Pains cuz of the fact that she'll never be mine...Wish i could be around her forever...That'll do...Even if its just as a servant..I don't mind..Jus being around her is all that I ask god for...And he thinks I don't deserve even that...Wat more do i hav in this world to live for..She is leavin the day after...She doesn't want me to come to the station even..Hates my face that bad i suppose..Will try to convince her to let me come to the station...If she still doesn't want me to..Then i'll not go there...I'm born to obey her...Even if its for things i don't wanna do...I'll still do it for her..Cuz i don't wanna giv her the discomfort of havin to look at me,when she doesn't want to...off with tears...

Date with Destiny

Atlast...The gods hav shown some mercy...That precious Infy cal letter,which i have been yearnin for has arrived....I felt so happy when i saw that in my inbox...This could jus be the thing i always wanted...This gives me a chance,to be with her that much longer...I wanna succeed in this...Not for anybody else...Just for myself...The prolonged agony over the fact that she would be leaving this week end has reduced a bit..Cuz now i hav a shot at a life in Hyderabad...And i'm gonna give this the best shot i've got...Not for the money...Not for the glory...But jus for the fact that i can wake up everyday knowing that i might meet her...Thats more than i can ask for..Jus being near her would do for me...She was outta town all thru the day...Some holy trip of sorts...came back late in the night and immediately went to sleep...Haven't spoken to her all day...I missed her as usual...But the fact that i hav finally got a "Date with Destiny" has kinda spurred me...How i'd love to get this job,I can't get enough words to describe...Gonna start preparing for it from tomorrow...Like all my life depends on this...In fact,it does..I wanna c her tomo..Hope she isn't too busy...Its ok even if it isn't for too long...Jus seeing her would do...Met her at coll yesterday,but couldn't speak much cuz her friend was always just a sniff away...Off late...Even sayin Goodbye has started hurtin me...I jus can't muster enough strength to say it to her..Wish she'd just stay forever...So all is not down in my life now...Have got a lot to look forward to all of a sudden...Will start gunnin from tomo..Cya goddess....

No xpectations

Wel..things haven't got any worse...and nor can it...she wants me to stop xpectin stuf from her...but then i never hav...this girl is awesome at gettin on my nerves...but i can't even scold her...how can i...its almost like a self inflicted wound....the more i miss her.... the more i think about her...didn't hav the gr8st conversation on earth with her yesterday...and so had a wet pillow as usual...she'd been outta town these 3 days...and these 3 days were obviously the longest of this summer...she keeps sayin that she will leave me some day...but then i'm a fella who lives more for today...i can't stop livin for today,worryin bout tomo...she stepped back into town only today...i don't hav ne plans of meetin her tomo...hopefully somethin pops up and gives me a chance to hav a peek at this goddess..next week this time..she'll b off...happily in a train thats gonna take her away from me...and along with all her other baggage....she's gonna b carryin my stupid heart too..i don't want her to go...but then fate always thinks otherwise...hope that i get a job somewhere in the vicinity of hyd...from where..even if not everyday...i can atleast get to see her a minute a week...that'll do for me...i'm happy bout one very small thing though...my cute little angel wil b here atleast tomo..i can msg her whenever i want...cal her a couple of times....and this is all that i've wanted..and i'm happy that i can hav this atleast tomo...even if not forever...she keeps sayin that my wife wud b very lucky...Can't i get lucky for a change...Can't i become the luckiest man on earth by gettin married to her....Can't i b with her all my life and c her being happy....wat more do i hav to do....go slit my throat or somethin...don't mind doin that if thats gonna make her realise how much she means to me..wanna spend as much time with her as possible before she leaves...but then she's very busy these days...she's got loads of other stuf to think and worry about...its not her mistake though....its jus the way things r pannin out....hope she understands someday...that this stupid guy called harish loved her real mad...and he treasures every moment she speaks to him...can't type nethin more....

where am i headin???

Off late...i seriously dunno where i'm headin in life...Leave alone the light at the end of the tunnel..i can't c the tunnel itself....I wish there was jus this one day in life ,where i can jus take her apart from everythin else on earth..speak to her all day..and make her realise how much i'm sufferin..cuz as of now...she has no idea wat has happened to me...nor can i tel her...how can i..i'm hit with a "shut up" or "rubbish" the moment i speak somethin sensitive..i know she doesn't love me..maybe she thinks i'm not worth her..but am i not even worthy of tellin her how i feel about her...i might be just another friend to her...but i hope that she atleast realises how much she means to me..wud like to take her to Baskin Robbins once before she leaves..But then again..She's the one who calls the shots between us..and i hardly hav any decisions to make....i don't mind...in fact i'd love it if she makes all the decisions in my life...She need not love me..but atleast she can treat me like a person who loves her...

"To get married to somebody you love...U must be the luckiest man on earth..
And to love a girl with all that you have,and still not get her to understand..U must be Harish"

Can't see the point in life...

I just can't see the point in life anymore..She gotta call up for work..Will be leavin in a fortnight..I always knew this day would come..But i never knew i'd feel this bad..Hope she comes back soon..Life can't get worse i guess..The mere thought that i'll have to wake up everytime I sleep gives me nightmares..Life doesn't hav anythin to offer me anymore..I hav lost interest in almost everything i do...Cellphones,Plasma TVs and Food,don't mean anythin to me anymore..Almost walkin lifeless..Every breath is becomin a burden..I feel totally helpless and left alone..She doesn't want me to cal her a doughnut anymore..So i wouldn't be referring to her that way here on...Got a couple of xams to go..Hope this doesn't affect my preparation...I demand so little from life,and i'm devoid of even that..Don't i deserve anything in life..I jus wanna stay near her..Somewhere in the corner of her eye..From where I can see her laugh and havin loads of fun...But looks like god thinks that i don't deserve even that bit..I don't remember when was the last minute I didn't think of her...Nor do i want to...I know i don't matter much to her..But I jus wanna cry in her arms and breath my last..Don't i deserve even this...

A series of unfortunate events...

Wel the day wasn't the greatest one I ever had...Made my doughnut cry...Felt real bad about it..I've never felt that sick while being with her,like i did yesterday...Was jus tellin her how i was feelin and all of a sudden i saw tears tricklin down her cheeks..It still chills my spine..I didn't wanna make her cry...Then I had a personal battle tryin to control myself from breakin down..I didn't wanna make things worse than what they already were...So I stopped speakin out my worries once she cried...Wanted to wipe her tears but she wouldn't let me..I was cryin on the inside too..Then I decided to stop talkin bout it...Tried talkin bout the other,less important things in life..Made her laugh..Then i felt hell releived...Scratched my forehead in the evenin while playin...Was horrified to see blood trciklin from my forehead...Nothin major though...Messaged her for a while before she slept..She's goin shoppin today..Hope the weather doesn't treat her too bad..Thats all for now...

"Lovin somebody who doesn't love u is...tough...
But me not lovin my doughnut.....impossible"

The doughnut visits...

Today was one of the best days for this blog..The goddess to whom this entire blog is dedicated to,jus paid a visit...It was quite accidental though...I gave her the link to my other blog(Mein Kampf) and she got here thru that..The day was pretty normal otherwise..Spoke to her for quite a while..but still felt bad while hangin up..She'd been to some movie today with her school frenz..Got plans of meetin her tomo..She's gonna b teachin me somethin...Wish i had more subjects she could teach...She told me bout her plans of goin to bang sometime next week..pretty sad..but i'm not thinkin bout it for now,cuz it gets me quite low...hope tomo turns out gr8....

The doughnut visits...

Today was one of the best days for this blog..The goddess to whom this entire blog is dedicated to,jus paid a visit...It was quite accidental though...I gave her the link to my other blog(Mein Kampf) and she got here thru that..The day was pretty normal otherwise..Spoke to her for quite a while..but still felt bad while hangin up..She'd been to some movie today with her school frenz..Got plans of meetin her tomo..She's gonna b teachin me somethin...Wish i had more subjects she could teach...She told me bout her plans of goin to bang sometime next week..pretty sad..but i'm not thinkin bout it for now,cuz it gets me quite low...hope tomo turns out gr8....

Nothin spl...

Well...The day was a total jeopardy of sorts...Met her...Couldn't speak well..Wrote an xam,didn't do great...And its rainin in June..guess things can't get any more weird...Msged her quite a lot today(i'd gr8 fun though)...guess she is under some stress..didn't look very comfy at coll..now she fought with her parents...but she jus wouldn't temme wats the prob...tryin my best to dig it outta her...found one more thing bout her today...she loooooooooves loolipops...but then...so do i...thats all for today...hope tomo brings better thing...gettin madder bout the doughnut every minute....

Bad days these

The scenario has improved a bit....She has finally got over all the hocus i made...I still dunno wat puts her off and wat doesn't...Saw her yesterday..Went to her place to collect a book..Spoke for an hour almost..Wanted to settle the bald issue but she didn't wanna speak bout it...I don't know where I stand now..She speaks but never calls...She laughs,but never understands...She cares..But never cares enough...I want her to take complete control of me and order me to do things for her..She on the other hand treats me as jus one more guy she speaks to..I know its real greedy of me to xpect her to get possesive of me...But my stupid heart doesn't want any of it...Even though I try my best to be cheerful when i speak to her,it somehow still bites inside..Even if she never loves me,i atleast want her to realise....That there was this stupid guy called Harish...who was real mad bout this Doughnut...Real mad....

Fisrt up

I hav created this blog jus to hav an outlet to my emotions...This is xtremely personal...So stop readin it if u r Unharish...To start things right away...I'm in love with a girl...she is a very good friend of mine..But I can't let go of her..I love her far too much to jus treat her as a friend..I very recently told her bout my feelings for her...She laughed...It hurt...It still hurts...But i love her more than she could ever fathom..She wants me to come out of it, as if its a cake walk....Little does she know how much it is killin me on the inside...I still hav very strong feelings for her...But then,I jus hope she atleast understands the way i feel bout her...I made her feel bad today...Prank backfired...She is stil upset...Hopefully i set things right soon..Can't think of nethin else other than her...Love her...More than i love myself...wil post more soon...