Is this all I deserve...

In case u ppl didn't know....She hates speakin to me...She didn't tell this to me..But this was the inference i could make of all that she said..Gosh...I couldn't beleive wat i was hearin..I was under the impression she loved talkin to me...Cuz most ppl do..They find it very interestin to spk to me...But for the first time in my life I heard somebody ask me not to call them up..It shuddered me...It was almost as if I was arguin with her to live...But thats the truth..Not speakin to her..Eats my day..I get so restless that i hardly find a point in living the next minute...In case she happens to read all this I'm pretty sure she'd find it real funny..Cuz she always does...Am I that mean a human being that I can't even speak to a girl I long for...Am I really that undeserving...Wat does it take to make a girl want to speak to u...Isn't being a nice guy good enough...For christ sake there is only on John Abraham on earth...And unluckily its not me..So is that my mistake or somethin...I wish I could be him..I really do...Maybe she'd speak to me then...I'm not able to b normal without speakin to her...But i'm unable to xplain it to her..She is tryin to make me hate her..But i've started hatin me so much...I can hardly hate anybody else,leave alone her...I know its not her who is talkin like this..Its the notion inside her that makes her think that she not talkin to me is for my good...It isn't makin things better..Not one bit..I'm being suffocated everyday....I don't want things to be this way...Even if I can't hav her..I atleast wish I could speak to her everyday...I really want to..It keeps me goin...I'm gonna cal her up tomo...Its upto her to decide whether she wants to speak to me or not...I'm not goin to force her...Wil beg her as usual..I don't mind beggin her though..She is all that i hav..And i don't mind drownin my self esteem for her..

Hate to wait....

Waitin for something that is nowhere under your control is the worst thing on earth.It has been a week almost since I took up the interview.I haven't heard from them yet.Nor has anybody else for that matter.Hope it comes soon and comes good.She has put up a restriction on me calling her.I'm supposed to call her only once in a week.She thinks it'll make me feel better.But the fact of the matter is,it is killing me on the inside.Big time.I don't feel much when I'm with my friends.But once I'm alone....Once I start lookin at the mirror....A sharp pain starts peeking inside..I hav been crying almost everyday since we stopped speaking...I fight a temptation of calling her almost every minute..Not cuz i don't wanna speak to her..But cuz I can never restrain from doing things my princess asks me to...It aches..It really does...I wish i could atleast hear her voice even if not speak to her...But she doesn't want me to call her...And i wouldn't...My dream of workin at Infy(Hyd) seems to be taking a beating everyday..But I know that I'm just a mail away from gettin all that I ever wanted...Guess she'll come up with some restriction if i get there...It'll be like,U shud c me only once in a week or something..Hope she doesn't do that..Cuz i know how cursed I hav been feeling over these past four days...Can't wait for thursday to come so I could call her..Dying to hear her speak...She has got a test tomo...Hope she does well...She will for sure...But as far as I'm concerned,my plan for tomorrow wud b just to wake up and start checkin my mail..Haven't got nethin more to do...Nothin that interests me...Wish I could atleast hav a peek at her for a second...Jus to make sure my princess is great...Hope the divine forces above gimme that job at HYD...I'd be so very greatful...I always will keep lovin her..Even if she wants me outta her life..She's too sweet for me to quit...Love her...But this wait is just too much to handle....Wish v cud speak...

Gettin Closer...

As the D day gets closer..I hav started feelin the pinch..The preparation so far has been good,even if not great...The whole thing is so unpredictable that I can harldy be satisfied with the amount of puzzles I've solved...She called me up today...For the first time since she'd left..Gosh..It was such a nice feelin to answer her call..Even though I didn't know it was she who was callin..I could make it out before she uttered a word...She has been having quite a tough time there...Has been fillin up forms for an eternity now...Pity her...Wish I could help..Her trg is most likely to start from tomorrow..Hope it isn't too boring...Cuz this time around there wouldn't be any guy to say somethin from the last bench and make her giggle(or get her caught)...As much as I dream about how good life might get if i get this job...The converse is makin me feel real sick at times..but then all i can do for now is keep my fingers crossed and hope I'm served some easy puzzles come sunday...It'll be great if she can call me up or atleast msg me before the xam..It'll make me feel real nice..But then again..I'm not goin to ask her to...Its purely upto her...And before i quit..Jus one more thing...I love her..Whether she likes it or not...Whether she loves me or not...I'll still keep lovin her...I'm addicted to her...I don't wanna stop it...Can't either...Wish all goes well for her there...Don't want her to miss nethin...Take care darlin...

Lifeless....

One of the darkest hours of my life...The girl i'd started livin in my dreams with,left today...I still can't forget those eyes that stared into mine at the corridor...Wish i could hold her right there and never let her go...Those steps I took away from her right then were the heaviest of my life...I walked away...Banged my fist on a nearby vehicle...It didn't hurt...I was already hurt enough for my fist to ache..Tried persuadin her to let me come to the station..but she wouldn't let me..So i gave in as usual..But every inch of my body wanted to be there...Was at the gym at the time..Surrounded by mirrors..Portrayin a huge loser...I could see the life ooze outta my body,on a smokin train..Headed towards Hyderabad...Little does she know that this distance,though it aches..Isn't gonna affect my love for her one bit...She'll always remain the goddess i love...and wanted to live with...She is goin with her parents..Will be stayin in some hotel for a week i suppose...Hope she gets a safe accomodation..July 2nd couldn't have come at a better time for me...Dunno how i'd hav been if i hadn't got that mail from infy...Not that it'll definitely gimme a job...But atleast it'll gimme a chance to have a shot at the life i've dreamt about..Gonna start workin for it from tomo..Will try to solve the puzzles upside down...Not that Infy is the only company on earth...But cuz Infy Hyd is the place i wanna be...Cuz my goddess is gonna roam about there for a while now...Hope she gets in touch tomo...thats all til then...already feelin like an empty bottle....

Killed again...

Wel...things hav jus gone from bad to worse..Gave her a letter with a few RBCs in it...She thought it was stupid...But then wat more can I do to make her understand...got the worst msg till date from her...She said she wouldn't wanna marry me even if her parents let her to...I died right then...Killed one more time by her...I love her so very much that i start cryin everytime i think i can't have her..Its very tough to lead such a cursed life...Wish i cud belong to that genre of people whom she'd wanna marry...I know things aren't in my hand anymore..It hurts real bad...Am i such a mean human...Don't I deserve anything I want in life...Wish my heart would jus stop pumpin...Wish i don't have a tomorrow to wake up to...Wish she could jus stab me..And i would happily die watchin her...Cuz I am sufferin greater pains in life...Pains cuz of her...Pains cuz of the fact that she'll never be mine...Wish i could be around her forever...That'll do...Even if its just as a servant..I don't mind..Jus being around her is all that I ask god for...And he thinks I don't deserve even that...Wat more do i hav in this world to live for..She is leavin the day after...She doesn't want me to come to the station even..Hates my face that bad i suppose..Will try to convince her to let me come to the station...If she still doesn't want me to..Then i'll not go there...I'm born to obey her...Even if its for things i don't wanna do...I'll still do it for her..Cuz i don't wanna giv her the discomfort of havin to look at me,when she doesn't want to...off with tears...

Date with Destiny

Atlast...The gods hav shown some mercy...That precious Infy cal letter,which i have been yearnin for has arrived....I felt so happy when i saw that in my inbox...This could jus be the thing i always wanted...This gives me a chance,to be with her that much longer...I wanna succeed in this...Not for anybody else...Just for myself...The prolonged agony over the fact that she would be leaving this week end has reduced a bit..Cuz now i hav a shot at a life in Hyderabad...And i'm gonna give this the best shot i've got...Not for the money...Not for the glory...But jus for the fact that i can wake up everyday knowing that i might meet her...Thats more than i can ask for..Jus being near her would do for me...She was outta town all thru the day...Some holy trip of sorts...came back late in the night and immediately went to sleep...Haven't spoken to her all day...I missed her as usual...But the fact that i hav finally got a "Date with Destiny" has kinda spurred me...How i'd love to get this job,I can't get enough words to describe...Gonna start preparing for it from tomorrow...Like all my life depends on this...In fact,it does..I wanna c her tomo..Hope she isn't too busy...Its ok even if it isn't for too long...Jus seeing her would do...Met her at coll yesterday,but couldn't speak much cuz her friend was always just a sniff away...Off late...Even sayin Goodbye has started hurtin me...I jus can't muster enough strength to say it to her..Wish she'd just stay forever...So all is not down in my life now...Have got a lot to look forward to all of a sudden...Will start gunnin from tomo..Cya goddess....

No xpectations

Wel..things haven't got any worse...and nor can it...she wants me to stop xpectin stuf from her...but then i never hav...this girl is awesome at gettin on my nerves...but i can't even scold her...how can i...its almost like a self inflicted wound....the more i miss her.... the more i think about her...didn't hav the gr8st conversation on earth with her yesterday...and so had a wet pillow as usual...she'd been outta town these 3 days...and these 3 days were obviously the longest of this summer...she keeps sayin that she will leave me some day...but then i'm a fella who lives more for today...i can't stop livin for today,worryin bout tomo...she stepped back into town only today...i don't hav ne plans of meetin her tomo...hopefully somethin pops up and gives me a chance to hav a peek at this goddess..next week this time..she'll b off...happily in a train thats gonna take her away from me...and along with all her other baggage....she's gonna b carryin my stupid heart too..i don't want her to go...but then fate always thinks otherwise...hope that i get a job somewhere in the vicinity of hyd...from where..even if not everyday...i can atleast get to see her a minute a week...that'll do for me...i'm happy bout one very small thing though...my cute little angel wil b here atleast tomo..i can msg her whenever i want...cal her a couple of times....and this is all that i've wanted..and i'm happy that i can hav this atleast tomo...even if not forever...she keeps sayin that my wife wud b very lucky...Can't i get lucky for a change...Can't i become the luckiest man on earth by gettin married to her....Can't i b with her all my life and c her being happy....wat more do i hav to do....go slit my throat or somethin...don't mind doin that if thats gonna make her realise how much she means to me..wanna spend as much time with her as possible before she leaves...but then she's very busy these days...she's got loads of other stuf to think and worry about...its not her mistake though....its jus the way things r pannin out....hope she understands someday...that this stupid guy called harish loved her real mad...and he treasures every moment she speaks to him...can't type nethin more....